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Budman's on going joke fest

So, I was driving along highway 5, when suddenly, the dicey Taco Bell breakfast burrito that I'd consumed a couple of hours earlier decided that it wanted to say, hello, like, right now.
The closest rest stop was a couple of miles down the road, and it was about as dicey as the Taco Bell. At this point, beggars couldn't be choosers, so I pulled in and did the butt pucker shuffle from the car to the restroom. Lucky break, a stall was open.
Barely got the trousers off in time and seated before a herd of turds came galloping out of the old corn hole.
After finishing the onslaught, I looked over and realized that there was no toilet paper. Not good would be an understatement.
While pondering the dilemma, I noticed a hole in the stall with a note scrawled above it,
"stick your fingers in here, and they will be cleaned by a human tongue."
I looked at my fingers, the hole, and the totality of my situation.
Rather than lose a sock or some underwear to fix the problem, I decided that if some kink was down to lick the doody, that's fine by me.
So, I got to digging, and stuck my fingers in the hole.

Son of a Bitch on the other side smashed my fingers with a hammer.
 
budman said:
I told him those we Rose’s words earlier in the day
Click to expand...
This seems appropriate.

Son comes home to his parents.

"Hey Dad, how did other go when you took that memory class?"

"Oh, it was great. They taught things like using mnemonics to help remember things."

"Oh, that's great! What was the name of the instructor?"

"The instructor? Oh, wait, I got this...a...flower....red....thorns..."

"A rose?"

"Yea! Hey Rose? What was the name of the instructor?"
 
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Ok, sorry ladies but here are some jokes for the men. Feel free to reciprocate.

What is the difference between a battery and a wife?

The battery has a positive side.



If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog. Because he'll shut up once you let him in.



Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%

It's called a wedding cake.
 
Here's one the ladies might like better. Supposedly it's an old Navajo legend, but I got it from a novel, so who knows. Anyway:

Two hunters were walking in the forest, when the spotted a dragonfly trapped in the mud. Now the Navajo believe that dragonflies have magical powers, so they dropped their spears, fell to their knees and carefully excavated the dragonfly from the mud.

The dragonfly was grateful, and offered them each a wish. Anything in the world.

The first hunter said "I want to be the smartest man in the world" Instantly, through the dragonfly's magic, he became the smartest man in the world.

The second hunter said "I want to be smarter than the smartest man in the world".
And the dragonfly changed him into a woman.
 
Dude is working in the produce department at a grocery store when a blue haired woman walks up and asks "Sir.. where is the broccoli?"

"Sorry Mam we are out of broccoli. We will have move in the morning"

She comes back in 5 minutes and asks again. They go through the same scenario and she wanders off.

5 minutes late she is back again. "Sir.. where is the broccoli?"

Now he is frustrated and asks her - "Mam... how do you spell Cat as in Cat scan?"

She says "C A T".

Then he asks how do you spell dog as in dogmatic?"

She says "D O G".

Then he asks "How to you spell fuck like in broccoli?"

She says "There is no fuck in broccoli" and he says "That's what I have been trying to tell you!!"
 
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How do you get a dog to stop barking in the front yard?

Put him in the backyard.
 
My friend: "Hey, does my breath smell like tacos?"
Me: "I don’t know... do you put shit in your tacos?"
-Sarah Silverman
:laughing
 
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