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Budman's on going joke fest

The Origins of Cat’s Eyes
British inventor named Percy Shaw came up with the idea for cat’s eyes. Shaw was a self-taught engineer with an entrepreneurial spirit, and he had a keen interest in road safety. His inspiration for cat’s eyes came from an incident in the early 1930s when he was driving along a dangerous, winding road in Yorkshire, England. Suddenly, he noticed that his car’s headlamps reflected in the eyes of a cat, resting at the side of the road. The reflection gave him a moment of clarity that ultimately led to the invention of cat’s eyes.

Had Percy seen the cat walking away, he may have also been credited with the invention of the pencil sharpener.
 
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum and wrap fine wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

"Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said,

"I'm Frank."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
 
Sent to me by a friend in Idaho-

Idaho%20six%20pack-X2.jpg


-Bill
 
Please do not use a calculator for this for it would be cheating:
You are driving a bus from Jurong to Changi.
at Bukit Batok, 17 people got on the bus.
At Clementi, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
At Outram, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
At Marine Parade, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
And at Eunos, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
You then arrive at Changi.
Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver ?












YOU are driving the bus! Don't you know your own age?
 
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Well, the Olympics are over and some of you are still admiring your favorite gold medal athletes, but I'm just so proud of myself.

I got my leg through my underwear this morning without losing my balance.
 
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess... in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like... what???...

He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, an ice cold beer, a couple of aspirins, and a note that simply says "love you".

He stumbles outside the room and sees broken glass, a broken lamp, mud (or vomit) in the carpet, half the clothes he was wearing the day before stinking of alcohol and cigarette laying in the floor... he has no idea what happened, so he calls for his son.

"where is your mom?" He asks.

"she went to the store to get a new door lock" The kid answers.

"ok... do you know what happened yesterday?"

"i sure do" says the kid; "you came home at around 5am drunk off your mind, you parked the car in the front lawn, after doing a couple of doughnuts on the front lawn with the car, then, you couldnt fit the key on the front door, and started knocking the door really hard and yelling for us to open, waking the neighbors that where still not awake because of the car parking, but you didnt wait for us, so you ended up kicking open the door after failing to force your way in..."

"...afterwards, you stumbled into the table at the entrance breaking the lamp grandma left mom before she passed away..."

"...after that, you tried to go up the stairs, and knocked off the wall most of the framed pictures we had hanging, thats when you vomited all over yourself."

"So, what happened then?" asked the still hung over man.

"Me and mom reached you half way up the stairs and understood you couldnt be talked to, so we dragged you up the stairs, by then you where trying to undress yourself, but couldnt really do it. You only got half your shirt off so mom unbuttoned the rest and then reached for your pants..."

"And then what happened????"

"Well, mom was trying to take your vomit soaked pants off when you very strongly pushed her aside, and yelled, "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU WHORE! IM A MARRIED MAN!" just before blacking out.
 
would like to laugh, but after hands all over him, the actual story went more along the lines of -

‘you like cats, you have cats?’

‘yes.’

‘who’s taking care of them while you are in sweden?’

‘my wife.’

hands removed. or so he said.

i didn’t laugh then, am not laughing now.
 
bikeama said:
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess... in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like... what???...

He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, an ice cold beer, a couple of aspirins, and a note that simply says "love you".

He stumbles outside the room and sees broken glass, a broken lamp, mud (or vomit) in the carpet, half the clothes he was wearing the day before stinking of alcohol and cigarette laying in the floor... he has no idea what happened, so he calls for his son.

"where is your mom?" He asks.

"she went to the store to get a new door lock" The kid answers.

"ok... do you know what happened yesterday?"

"i sure do" says the kid; "you came home at around 5am drunk off your mind, you parked the car in the front lawn, after doing a couple of doughnuts on the front lawn with the car, then, you couldnt fit the key on the front door, and started knocking the door really hard and yelling for us to open, waking the neighbors that where still not awake because of the car parking, but you didnt wait for us, so you ended up kicking open the door after failing to force your way in..."

"...afterwards, you stumbled into the table at the entrance breaking the lamp grandma left mom before she passed away..."

"...after that, you tried to go up the stairs, and knocked off the wall most of the framed pictures we had hanging, thats when you vomited all over yourself."

"So, what happened then?" asked the still hung over man.

"Me and mom reached you half way up the stairs and understood you couldnt be talked to, so we dragged you up the stairs, by then you where trying to undress yourself, but couldnt really do it. You only got half your shirt off so mom unbuttoned the rest and then reached for your pants..."

"And then what happened????"

"Well, mom was trying to take your vomit soaked pants off when you very strongly pushed her aside, and yelled, "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU WHORE! IM A MARRIED MAN!" just before blacking out.
Click to expand...
1955?
 
A man and his wife are having sex. They're going at it hot and heavy.

Suddenly they hear a noise - it's their little son Timmy standing in the doorway. Timmy is shocked and runs out of the room.

The father says, "I'll go talk to Timmy." He goes to Timmy's room and opens the door and sees little Timmy giving it hot and heavy to Grandma.

The father says, "OMG!" and little Timmy says, "not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"
 
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