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Budman's on going joke fest

budman said:
Missing Wife Found by Alaska State Troopers

The day after my wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, I answered
my door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

“We’re sorry Mr. Rigg, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the troopers.

“Tell me! Did you find her?” I asked.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, I said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay.”

“Oh my God!” I exclaimed. Swallowing hard, I asked, “What’s the good news?”

The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”

Stunned, I demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”

The trooper replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all!
Click to expand...

That's worth a :barf right there.... :loco
 
What's your favorite food?

I would have to say, frittatas.


(free tata's)

Dog
 
The Reunion

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
 
You know that cemetery on mission blvd in Hayward? I was driving down that way and stopped at a red light when I saw a man hugging a gravestone. He was sobbing and saying Why me. How could you do this to me. Over and over.

So I had to pull over and comfort him. I hugged him and said- Was he a close friend of yours?







He said No. He was my wife's first husband :teeth
 
A guy was sitting alone in a restaurant, when he saw a beautiful woman at another table. He sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent back a note: “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants.”

He wrote back: “Send me back the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
 
Joining the Army... old guys should be eligable

I am over 55 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.


Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..


An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.


Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.


They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.


Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.


An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.


These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.


Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
 
:applause :hail

Rocking. Also, artillery is your friend, along with JDAMs. Fack your enemies long distance and celebrate the fireworks. :rofl
 
If I have ten slices of freshly cooked bacon, and you take five of them, what do you have?













A broken hand, and a black eye!
 
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph With her face up next to her rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away For a couple seconds...then I continue shaving And when I looked back, she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup.!!

As a man, I don't scare easily, But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt And I dropped My electric shaver, Which knocked The donut
Out of my other hand. :mad

In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car while Using my knees against
The steering wheel, It knocked My Cell Phone Away from my ear Which then fell
Into my coffee which was Between my legs, Which the. Splashed, And burned
Big Jim and the Twins.

Ruined the damn phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an
Important call.

Damn women drivers!
 
Compliment

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
 
Star Trek = warning racist content

Star Trek = warning racist content


The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United states Marine Corps general. As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America." The general said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?" the Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called STAR TREK and in it there is...Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans ,Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on STAR TREK.


The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."
 
Favorite Movie Test

I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.

Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark"

Don't ask me how, but it really works!



Movie Test:



Pick a number from 1-9.



Multiply by 3.



Add 3.



Multiply by 3 again.



Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.
 
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Hit quote to see the list after taking the test.
 
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