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Jew-Golf Joke

Caddywumpus

Caddywumpus

4N631
Joined
Sep 10, 2008
Location
The Grove
Moto(s)
Happy
Name
o'/<
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AMA#: 2809543
A rabbi wakes up one Saturday and notices what a beautiful day it is. "I'd rather spend the day golfing, not leading a Sabbath service," he says, and decides to call in sick.

He puts his clubs in his trunk and drives 200 miles away to a golf course where he knows he won't see anyone who could rat him out. As he takes his first swing, the ball flies far and straight, eventually rolling right into the hole. A HOLE IN ONE! UNBELIEVABLE! At the next hole, he hits ANOTHER hole in one! Same thing happens with the third hole, as well as holes 4-18.

He finishes his round so soon he sticks around for another, shooting another 18 holes in one in a row.

Up on the Heavens, an angel and God are watching. The angel says, "Lord, I do not understand. This man has devoted his entire life to you, and yet on this holy day, he abandons his flock to go golfing, and you even help him along with the best game of his life! Why are you doing this?"

God smiles a little, glances at the angel, and answers, "Ehh... who's he gonna tell?"
 
Jesus and Moses are out for a round of golf one day, when they come to a hole that has a large water hazard in the distance. Jesus gets excited and says, "Hey, I saw Arnold Palmer play this hole the other weekend on TV; he was able to drive it all the way over the water hazard off the tee!" Moses, looking doubtful, replies "I dunno, Jesus, that's a really far shot. Why don't we play it short, and hit over the water on the second shot?" But Jesus insists, "Hey, if Arnold Palmer can hit that shot, so can we! Let's do it."

Moses, still unsure of this plan, lines up and tees off, and *splash* goes his ball into the water. "I told you there's no way we're clearing that," he grumbles as Jesus lines up. "Just like Arnold Palmer," Jesus whispers to himself has he tees off, and *splash* goes another ball, almost at the far shore. "Christ," says Jesus, as they start the trek down the course, "I was sure we could clear that."

Upon reaching the water hazard, Moses raises his arms, parts the water, walks down to his ball, and chips it back up onto the fairway. Then he walks up towards his ball, letting the water settle back in place once he's back on dry land. Jesus, still on the other side of the hazard, gives a little clap and then starts walking across the water to his own ball. Just then another group comes round on the path near Moses and sees Jesus strolling across the surface of the hazard, and one of them exclaims, "Look at that! Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses gives an exasperated sigh, and replies, "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer..."
 
Guy comes home from golf one day, and his wife asks how the day was.
"Just terrible," he says. "Jerry had a heart attack on the fifth hole and died!"
His wife is shocked, and replies "My gosh, that must have been awful!"
"It was! From then on, it was hit the ball, drag Jerry. Hit the ball, drag Jerry..."
 
Why was Jesus so popular with the ladies?
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He was well hung:)
 
A businessman is having a torrid affair with his secretary. The two break away for an afternoon of passion. They spend hours together finding new ways to provide each other pleasure. After the intense session they fall asleep, exhausted and sated........

A few hours later the man wakes up and sees that it is now dark outside. He's very LATE getting home. His lover awakes and goes pale. "How are you going to explain to your wife how late you are?" she asks. He pauses for a moment. Then he picks up his shoes and hands them to his secretary. "Go outside and rub grass and dirt on my shoes please while I get dressed." She looks confused, but does as he asks.

The man comes home late. He has missed dinner. His wife is standing in the entrance hall tapping her foot and looking FURIOUS. He walks in and she says, "Just where the Hell have you been? I called the office. You weren't there! I called your cell. You didn't pick up. What have you been doing?!!" He looks at her and says, "I can't lie. I spent the afternoon enjoying a passionate love making session with my secretary. We did things to each other that you and I have only dreamed of. It was so passionate and so intense angels wept." She stares at him. She looks him up and down. Noticing his shoes she says, "You lying sack if shit. You were out playing golf!!"
 
Squidly McSmearstain said:
A businessman is having a torrid affair with his secretary. The two break away for an afternoon of passion. They spend hours together finding new ways to provide each other pleasure. After the intense session they fall asleep, exhausted and sated........

A few hours later the man wakes up and sees that it is now dark outside. He's very LATE getting home. His lover awakes and goes pale. "How are you going to explain to your wife how late you are?" she asks. He pauses for a moment. Then he picks up his shoes and hands them to his secretary. "Go outside and rub grass and dirt on my shoes please while I get dressed." She looks confused, but does as he asks.

The man comes home late. He has missed dinner. His wife is standing in the entrance hall tapping her foot and looking FURIOUS. He walks in and she says, "Just where the Hell have you been? I called the office. You weren't there! I called your cell. You didn't pick up. What have you been doing?!!" He looks at her and says, "I can't lie. I spent the afternoon enjoying a passionate love making session with my secretary. We did things to each other that you and I have only dreamed of. It was so passionate and so intense angels wept." She stares at him. She looks him up and down. Noticing his shoes she says, "You lying sack if shit. You were out playing golf!!"
Click to expand...


I love that joke... not sure it belings in this thread though as it doesn't offend any religios or ehnic group:)
 
Heard the same joke, but he put baby powder on his hands.
"You liar! You've been shooting pool all night!!"
 
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