In an effort to help with some random aches and soreness, I went and picked up some epsom salts.
Good intentions.
Today, I read the package, and read the laxative portion of the usage instructions. Idiot that I am, I need to try anything once.
Rampant burning painful hindsight is 20/20.
I took the maximum recommended dosage.
"Gah! This tastes like shit!, probably won't do anything either"
Oh, how utterly wrong I was.
Within 30 minutes, I detected a grumble, I picked up my book, and ambled to the bathroom.
20 seconds later, hell was released.
Everything I have eaten, past, present, and future flowed from my body like a firehose of chunky filth. I had the presence of mind to yell "I'M GOING TO BE IN HERE FOR A WHILE!" to ensure that Janelle would not come searching for my dry husk of a body.
An hour later, I staggered out of the foul pit that my bathroom had become. Dehydrated, dizzy, confused, chapped. I quickly consumed a giant tumbler of water, limped into the living room to find Janelle peacefully asleep (Curse her). I painfully sat, glad the worst was over.
For 5 minutes.
Après moi, le déluge
Again, and again, and again...
Sweet fucking zombie jesus, I drink a glass of water, and minutes later, I am firehosing it all out, along with bits of the green army guys I ate when I was 2 years old.
Now, hours later, I sit here with my happily lubed A&D ointment ass planted on the couch, faint burbles of anger from my whistle clean digestive tract, and a greater knowledge that I should NEVER...EVER...do that again..
Well, unless I am planning on a long night of getting plowed in the ass...because it is easily better than cheap and quick enema.
